Self Worth

I used to work in the corporate world before I was a homemaker/stay at home Mom. I was an Executive Assisant to the CFO of a pretty big corporation. Executive Assistant is another way to describe a high paid grunt. Yes, I was the grunt. I did office work for a man that couldn't even order his own lunch. He was a nice guy granted, but the job stunk. The only cool thing was the pay. I made quite a bit for what I did, minus the long hours and weird requests that I had to fill on a daily basis. I was laid off after a couple years when the company's stock did a nose dive and there were some changes in the corporate ladder, my boss being one of the changes. At the time, we were getting ready to adopt and buy a new house. So, I decided at the time to collect my severance package and unemployment benefits and stay at home for awhile to recuperate.

Life at home was grand. I could sleep in late, no boss breathing down my neck. I could grocery shop at my leasure, not during lunch breaks or on my way home after a long day at the office. I could go get my teeth cleaned and not have to ask for the time off of work. The days were filled with "me" time and I could come and go as I pleased. It really was a good time in my life.

Although I enjoyed my life of leasure, I still had no self worth. I woke up in the morning, read the newspaper and drank my coffee. I would sit at home and ponder life and my next move. Would I go back to work? Would I eventually be a mother and raise my kids? Life was uncertain in those days and I really had no idea where life was going to lead me.

We bought a new house and put ours on the market. My life was consumed with decluttering our house and making some changes to the home. I was dealing with contractors, painters and roofers and was too busy to notice that I wasn't working. Eventually, the house sold and my project was over. I had done the good deed of selling our house with the help of a realtor.

We dove into the world of adoption. We went to meetings at the agency we had chosen. We were just about to put up our deposit when out of the blue I discovered that I was more than a few days late for my period. On a whim, I decided to take a home pregnancy test and surprise of a lifetime I was pregnant. No fucking way, I thought. But, after the RE looked me in the face and told me that yes I was indeed pregnant, I finally bowed down to the pregnancy God and decided that HOLY SHIT, I was pregnant! YAHOO!!!!

I took a temporary job as an Executive Assistant to two attornies at an insurance company for a few months during my pregnancy. I was filling in for their full timer while she was out on maternity leave. My self worth was back! I felt good about myself and the things I did during the day. I was back in my game and felt good! I was doing what I loved to do, or so I thought. The full timer came back and I was back on the streets, this time with no severance and no unemployment benefits.

My self worth plummeted. I was staying home during the day. There was no boss and no schedule. I was my own dictator. Life was good mind you, but I had no structure and no pay check. Mr. Big was working a lot. His job at the time was high pressure. The pay was good and allowed me to stay at home. I was grateful, but had no self worth. I felt helpless because for the first time since I was 15 years old and legal to work, I was not making my own money. I was relying on someone else. Which, is fine... but not who I am as a hard working person. Mr. Big reassured me over and over (insert 100 thousand overs here) that he wanted me at home and to relax!

Relax I did. I relaxed up to the birth of our first son. He was born and I was a mother. My dream of having a child was fullfilled and there I was holding a newborn baby. I was thrown into motherhood and had no clue what the hell I was doing. My maternal instincts kicked in and went into overdrive. I felt like I had been a mother for years.

Two years of being a mother has seasoned me. I have learned more in two years than I have learned in my entire life. My house was turned upside down by a tiny person. He was small but packed a big punch into our hearts. Breastmilk, Breastpumps, Swings, Bouncy Chairs, Diapers, wipes, baby cereal, baby food, baby spoons, baby babble, baby playgroup, baby clothes, baby socks, baby everything... toddler talk, toddler behavior... I had no clue any of this existed.
Even taking care of my son, I still had those feelings of "this is not a job... I need to go back to a real job".

When I became pregnant with Joshua and the pregnancy was a little harder than anticipated I started realizing just what I did every day. I hadn't really noticed before because I was able to go and go and go without any reservation. I was busy all the time. As I dealt with morning sickness and big belly syndrome... I noticed how hard it was being a mother.

So, that leads me to today. I'm a mother. I have no shame in telling anyone. I change diapers during the day. I feed my children. I nurture and love two beautiful boys during my day. I run, I jump, I sing, I laugh, I wrestle, and I smile. I smile. I drown in cuteness. I roll around in tiny giggles and little teethy grins. I smell tiny heads that smell like baby soap. I hold tiny hands crossing the street. I tickle tiny toes. I kiss bo-bo's and make them better. I get kisses and "I wuv you"s during the day. Most impressive, I have a schedule. I have work. I have a job. Yes, I said it here, motherhood is a job. A job that I had always wanted and envied other women for having. I have that now.

I have self worth again. It might have taken me a few years to realize that my life at home is just as important as my life outside of the home. I might not make the money I did before and my resume might not be that impressive, but I have my children. I am molding them into the people they will become. I am helping them realize that life is not a bowl full of cherries, but to enjoy it because it is so short! I am their mother and I've got a ton to teach them. I'm proud of myself and I feel a strong self worth as a woman.