How am I doing?

This seems to be the big question. How are you doing?

My answer is good. I'm doing okay. I'm managing. Life has been tough since I lost my Mom and I won't lie and say it's been easy. There have been times when the bed has been my salvation and I don't want to get out of it. There have been times when I've cried so much that I don't want to cry anymore. I've been to the deepest depths of grief. I haven't ever experienced this type of pain before. Oh, I knew it would be hard to lose a parent, but never like this. The magnitude of the loss has been tremendous. My life has forever been changed and I'm a new person today because I have to go forward without a very important part of myself. Somehow life does manage to move forward and while at times it's hard to pick myself up off the floor and see past the bad times, it's nice to enjoy the good times.

My husband has been my rock. He has let me grieve and move forward in my own time and own way. He's been there to support me. He's held me up when I literally could not stand by myself. His shoulder has been wet for months with the tears that I've poured onto them. He's just been my friend and that's what has meant so much to me. We've grown closer in the midst of the sadness and that has felt good to me.

The kids are great! They ask a lot about death and have grown to understand more about the bible and God. We laugh a lot about the good times we had with their Adda and we enjoy telling stories about her to one another. Jacob, especially, misses her and often we'll sit and listen to her music together remembering all the fun we had with her. He's gotten quite good at air guitar, actually.

My photography business is really taking off and I've pushed myself to move forward with that. I know that my Mom would be so proud of me. She was my #1 fan and loved looking at my pictures. She was such a creative person and I think we share that. I love to get creative with my photography and it feels good to have that for myself outside of being a mother. My clients have been wonderful too and that helps to push me forward into doing something I'm passionate about and love to do. It's been a creative road for me to release some energy. Love it!

Time will tell how my heart heals. Right now I feel most days that it's broken into a million pieces. I've been every aspect of the normal grieving curves, sad-mad-okay-not okay-crying-screaming-depressed-you get the picture. I just hope that eventually I will come to a place where it feels okay. Right now I'm making the motions and moving forward, but I can't say it feels okay to me. I sure miss her and I sure wish she was here. Realizing that she's not coming back in this life is a hard pill to swollow.

For now my world revolves around my family. My kids are the most important thing to me. They are my world. My husband is my best friend and so much more. I focuse on them and that, my friends, feels GOOD! Very very good!